tedium and rage.

Most days I really enjoy my job. I work in marketing and strategy so it's always different and there is always more to learn. Lots of opportunity to stretch my creative muscles and leverage my ability to identify trends from data analysis. There are some days however...days that are filled with mundane tasks, with no creative involvement needed. Whether it is updating and trafficking banner ads, or updating reports...I hate those days. I find myself getting frustrated at hiccups in technology - when things don't work the way they are supposed to I go into a rage.

INFJ rage is a very real thing and thankfully mine is directed toward inanimate objects not at people. It does not make it any less terrifying. Losing control and expressing my rage scares the shit out of people I know. My sister told me once how freaked out she was when she caught me losing my mind at a Jeep's soft top that I was trying to snap back on. She thought I was in a fight in the garage and came down to investigate. She told me that I was roaring at the soft top...I know I can get carried away but I never really keep tabs on what I'm doing when I fly into a rage.

Ever since then, I've been more cognizant of what comes out of my mouth during a rage. My husband has been working with me for years trying to get me to manage through the stress. He is worried that I'll have a heart attack from being so pissed off all the time. I'm normally pretty level when it comes to people since I prefer to avoid conflict but if you piss me off enough for me to embrace a conflict, back away slowly and avoid eye contact. I do feel like I've gotten better with managing my rage, thanks to my husband's help but it still rears its ugly head sometimes. I just need to remember to breath and that whatever I'm freaking out at won't matter at all in a couple of days.

Do you fly into rages? What is your way of dealing with stress and anger?

on conformity

I read the start of a series on TheINFJCafe's blog and I'm looking forward to reading more. Something that was mentioned as part of the INFJ type is nonconformity. I've always been a nonconformist, though many times in the past it has caused issues for me.

I'm not a fan of being the center of attention unless I'm leading a group or presenting to a large audience. Being a nonconformist kind of goes hand in hand with being noticed - maybe not the center of attention but definitely noticed. I used to be much more audacious with my self expression - I used to flaunt my differences. With all of the teasing and bullying I put up with from middle school through high school, one would think I would just strive to blend in but no. Fuck that. I wore vintage clothes, polyester pant suits, high waisted Navy jeans, ponchos, hats with veils...whatever I wanted. I was still picked on but at least I was being me. I guess it didn't hurt that I felt I was better than those bullies either.

I've always felt that disconnect between myself and other people. That somehow I was not the same as them. When I was younger, I had a theory that it was just because I was an alien sent to live on Earth and learn the ways of its inhabitants. I'm assuming that isn't the case (you never know though...) and I really am a human, albeit a different breed of human.

So back to the question of conformity.

Years ago I decided to ditch contact lenses. My eyesight is so poor I need custom ones and they were over $800 per pair. Instead, I made the decision to go back to glasses. Now, I wore glasses from age 3 to age 14. Then contacts until I was 30. This was a big deal and I didn't want boring frames. I went with my favorite color: Chartreuse.

I love my glasses and have been wearing them for about 4 years so I often don't think about the fact that I'm wearing them. It's been long enough that these puppies are just my glasses and I guess I take  their boldness for granted. Anyway, I get comments daily from people I come into contact with about them. The comments are usually compliments mixed with some envy. It makes me sad to hear people say, "Wow, I love your glasses! I could never pull those off." or "I wish I could wear glasses like that but my boss would kill me!"

How confined must one be to societal norms to be frightened of something as inconsequential as wearing brightly colored glasses? To know that so many people are trapped in a conformist cage of their own choosing, even as they yearn to be free is depressing as hell. I've put myself in their shoes and the intense discomfort and pressure of having to always think, "What would they think of me?" with every decision you make is just WAY too much for me.

I understand their goal, I really do. It's part of who we are as human beings to be seen as part of a group of like-minded individuals. Life is so much easier when you don't have to battle against the flow of a mob. But I simply can't exist that way.

I lead a quiet rebellion against conformity. If there is a choice between doing what I want to do vs what everyone else is doing, I stick to my guns. I prefer the little things, whether it is wearing chartreuse glasses or suddenly taking a break to stop and smell the flowers or the breeze rustling leaves while other talk or interact with their phones. It's the little things that matter the most.

a beginning.

I've been having a bit of a crisis of purpose for the past several months and recently I decided to really try to figure out what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. My very scientific way of looking for inspiration was typing into Google, "How to figure yourself out." Google in its infinite wisdom coughed up the MBTI extended test. Curious as usual, I clicked through and took the test. It was long and it was a bit tedious but when I finally finished it I received my analysis. I'm an INFJ.

The description of the INFJ type made so many things click it really blew my mind. I had always been this way but now I knew that I wasn't the only weirdo in the world. While there aren't a lot of us, there is definitely more than just me! That was liberating to realize - other people think like I do, feel like I do, know things like I do...words really cannot describe that feeling.

I began to research and research and research. I found a number of great INFJ communities on Twitter, INFJ Cacofony, INFJ Cafe, etc and have been lurking - reading posts, comments, clicking through links others have posted...it's a fabulous time to be alive and curious.

I got some great ideas from seeing how other INFJ's handle their minds and decided it would be worthwhile to try writing a blog of my own. I've never been great about keeping up with blog posting but I'm hoping that using this as an outlet for my mind to dump some of the things I think about into a place where other INFJs can read and contribute will make it easier to keep up.

I don't know how this is going to work out but I feel like I need to try. If anyone reads this stuff, join the conversation. Or don't. I don't mind fellow lurkers. :)

Also I saw this on Tumblr (theinfjden) and I think it sums things up nicely.