Listening to music is an intense experience for me. I love music of so many different styles and all for very different reasons. Music is not just about listening to a song - it is about the moment I hear a tonal shift or a regressive change in key - that one moment stops time and becomes part of my sensory memory palace. Every time I hear it from then on, I can immerse myself in that one moment again and again. I don't even have to physically hear it - I can play it in my head and become lost.
Music affects me physically - I think it just overwhelms me. I literally cannot listen to classical music without crying. It's something about the pitch and ferocity of the violin that just pushes the tears button in my brain. It can be a little embarrassing and it sucked when I used to perform with an orchestra. That's pretty much why I never pursued singing as a career - the music was too beautiful and being in the midst of it, caught up in that performance energy...it was too much for me. The tears would come and then I'd be singing through some mucus and that is just not a good thing. Ever.
I still love singing and playing the piano though. I don't do either often enough. It feels so good to get the vibes out. Singing and playing an instrument is the best way to express feelings that you have no other way of expressing - getting that out of your body and brain is intensely therapeutic. That's why when I drive, I sing. I rock out so I don't lose my mind from sitting in traffic for hours. It really does help. It's also why my husband probably hates it when I play the piano...I always end up playing Rachmaninov because I'm angry and his music is some wrathful, discordant shit.
This post brought to you by this fantastic album by Sufjan Stevens: Illinoise
Illinoise - YouTube
The album is just all around fantastic. Thanks Sufjan.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Premonition
The past few days I've had this feeling of something being...off. I can't tell what it is but there is something different about the world. Or at least my perception of it. But I don't really feel like anything in my mind has changed to alter how I perceive the world, so I'm not sure where this feeling is coming from.
I feel...uneasy. Like something is going to happen. Doom but undefined doom.
I'm going to try to express in words what I see and feel...sorry if this comes out strangely.
It comes in waves - the impending feeling of some major shift in reality. When the waves come they are driven by gusts of wind and I see the sky thick and dark with mammatus clouds, yet the air is full of diffused light. It washes over me and leaves a cold emptiness in my gut. I don't feel anything horrible but therein lies the discomfort...the emptiness actually feels really good, but it shouldn't feel good because something really major happened to cause it and part of me thinks that "the something major" is not a particularly good thing. I feel utterly alone when this feeling hits - it's not just feeling lonely...it's just an utter lack of anything outside myself. Like the world is a void and since I'm in it, I am part of the void.
That whole paragraph of stuff has been hitting me for two days now.
I'm used to feeling off when crazy stuff happens in the world but this is on a different level. I'm not sure what to think about it. Everything I see around me is like an alien landscape - nothing looks different, really, but nothing looks quite the same either.
Anyone ever feel this way? Did it ever resolve?
I feel...uneasy. Like something is going to happen. Doom but undefined doom.
I'm going to try to express in words what I see and feel...sorry if this comes out strangely.
It comes in waves - the impending feeling of some major shift in reality. When the waves come they are driven by gusts of wind and I see the sky thick and dark with mammatus clouds, yet the air is full of diffused light. It washes over me and leaves a cold emptiness in my gut. I don't feel anything horrible but therein lies the discomfort...the emptiness actually feels really good, but it shouldn't feel good because something really major happened to cause it and part of me thinks that "the something major" is not a particularly good thing. I feel utterly alone when this feeling hits - it's not just feeling lonely...it's just an utter lack of anything outside myself. Like the world is a void and since I'm in it, I am part of the void.
That whole paragraph of stuff has been hitting me for two days now.
I'm used to feeling off when crazy stuff happens in the world but this is on a different level. I'm not sure what to think about it. Everything I see around me is like an alien landscape - nothing looks different, really, but nothing looks quite the same either.
Anyone ever feel this way? Did it ever resolve?
Monday, June 8, 2015
Back to Beauty
I had a pretty bad week last week and I needed something to fix my attitude. As a result, on Saturday I spent the entire day outside doing yard work. This was my third weekend in a row of outdoor labor - chainsaws and shovels, weeding, leaf/litter reduction in the woods, digging and planting...
It was hot.
I got sun burn and apparently unwittingly found poison ivy.
I worked out every last muscle in my body.
I pulled several ticks off of my body.
And you know what? I was totally blissed out. I like the progress I see when I work outside. Overgrown and unkept is slowly becoming a little tidier. I think the best way to picture it is the forest and chaotic wilderness is barely held in check. It looks like it could take over again at any moment but is just tidy enough not to look wild. I don't want it to look too tame. The woods are fantastic - why tame that?
I also harvested some mulberries from the enormous tree outside my house. A lot of mulberries. There are so many more to pick - I have to get those today before they are gone. Those birds are some stiff competition. Just look at them all! So delicious.
Working outside and beautifying my environment brings me satisfaction that I don't get anywhere else. I think I'm addicted. I went to get coffee this morning and looked out my kitchen window at the side of the house.
View from the kitchen:
Those leaves - I just want to clean them up! But it's Monday and I need to work.
I really like discovering what the previous owners of this house did. I uncovered huge old grape vines - it looks like there used to be a vineyard on one side of my house. Those vines are old - at least 30 years. I'm researching how to prune them back to a manageable size and how to propagate them. I see some fruit buds on some of the vines, so I guess I'll see what kind of grapes they are before I start devising my plan...
There are a ton of different plant varieties around my house - most of which I didn't plant.
These bushes, I think they are faux orange trees, are lovely!
And the woods behind my house are just gorgeous. I'm a fan of this little stand of trees.
Of the plants I have added to the landscape, I am most impressed with the size of these hostas...seriously, Cretaceous-huge.
Just waiting for my tiger lilies to bloom and BAM! Crazy colors and multiple layers of awesomeness.
It is just so satisfying to see everything growing and thriving. I wonder if other INFJs like gardening and physical activity like this as fulfilling as I do.
It was hot.
I got sun burn and apparently unwittingly found poison ivy.
I worked out every last muscle in my body.
I pulled several ticks off of my body.
And you know what? I was totally blissed out. I like the progress I see when I work outside. Overgrown and unkept is slowly becoming a little tidier. I think the best way to picture it is the forest and chaotic wilderness is barely held in check. It looks like it could take over again at any moment but is just tidy enough not to look wild. I don't want it to look too tame. The woods are fantastic - why tame that?
I also harvested some mulberries from the enormous tree outside my house. A lot of mulberries. There are so many more to pick - I have to get those today before they are gone. Those birds are some stiff competition. Just look at them all! So delicious.
Working outside and beautifying my environment brings me satisfaction that I don't get anywhere else. I think I'm addicted. I went to get coffee this morning and looked out my kitchen window at the side of the house.
View from the kitchen:
I really like discovering what the previous owners of this house did. I uncovered huge old grape vines - it looks like there used to be a vineyard on one side of my house. Those vines are old - at least 30 years. I'm researching how to prune them back to a manageable size and how to propagate them. I see some fruit buds on some of the vines, so I guess I'll see what kind of grapes they are before I start devising my plan...
There are a ton of different plant varieties around my house - most of which I didn't plant.
These bushes, I think they are faux orange trees, are lovely!
And the woods behind my house are just gorgeous. I'm a fan of this little stand of trees.
Of the plants I have added to the landscape, I am most impressed with the size of these hostas...seriously, Cretaceous-huge.
Just waiting for my tiger lilies to bloom and BAM! Crazy colors and multiple layers of awesomeness.
It is just so satisfying to see everything growing and thriving. I wonder if other INFJs like gardening and physical activity like this as fulfilling as I do.
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