Listening to music is an intense experience for me. I love music of so many different styles and all for very different reasons. Music is not just about listening to a song - it is about the moment I hear a tonal shift or a regressive change in key - that one moment stops time and becomes part of my sensory memory palace. Every time I hear it from then on, I can immerse myself in that one moment again and again. I don't even have to physically hear it - I can play it in my head and become lost.
Music affects me physically - I think it just overwhelms me. I literally cannot listen to classical music without crying. It's something about the pitch and ferocity of the violin that just pushes the tears button in my brain. It can be a little embarrassing and it sucked when I used to perform with an orchestra. That's pretty much why I never pursued singing as a career - the music was too beautiful and being in the midst of it, caught up in that performance energy...it was too much for me. The tears would come and then I'd be singing through some mucus and that is just not a good thing. Ever.
I still love singing and playing the piano though. I don't do either often enough. It feels so good to get the vibes out. Singing and playing an instrument is the best way to express feelings that you have no other way of expressing - getting that out of your body and brain is intensely therapeutic. That's why when I drive, I sing. I rock out so I don't lose my mind from sitting in traffic for hours. It really does help. It's also why my husband probably hates it when I play the piano...I always end up playing Rachmaninov because I'm angry and his music is some wrathful, discordant shit.
This post brought to you by this fantastic album by Sufjan Stevens: Illinoise
Illinoise - YouTube
The album is just all around fantastic. Thanks Sufjan.
Showing posts with label infj struggles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infj struggles. Show all posts
Monday, June 15, 2015
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Premonition
The past few days I've had this feeling of something being...off. I can't tell what it is but there is something different about the world. Or at least my perception of it. But I don't really feel like anything in my mind has changed to alter how I perceive the world, so I'm not sure where this feeling is coming from.
I feel...uneasy. Like something is going to happen. Doom but undefined doom.
I'm going to try to express in words what I see and feel...sorry if this comes out strangely.
It comes in waves - the impending feeling of some major shift in reality. When the waves come they are driven by gusts of wind and I see the sky thick and dark with mammatus clouds, yet the air is full of diffused light. It washes over me and leaves a cold emptiness in my gut. I don't feel anything horrible but therein lies the discomfort...the emptiness actually feels really good, but it shouldn't feel good because something really major happened to cause it and part of me thinks that "the something major" is not a particularly good thing. I feel utterly alone when this feeling hits - it's not just feeling lonely...it's just an utter lack of anything outside myself. Like the world is a void and since I'm in it, I am part of the void.
That whole paragraph of stuff has been hitting me for two days now.
I'm used to feeling off when crazy stuff happens in the world but this is on a different level. I'm not sure what to think about it. Everything I see around me is like an alien landscape - nothing looks different, really, but nothing looks quite the same either.
Anyone ever feel this way? Did it ever resolve?
I feel...uneasy. Like something is going to happen. Doom but undefined doom.
I'm going to try to express in words what I see and feel...sorry if this comes out strangely.
It comes in waves - the impending feeling of some major shift in reality. When the waves come they are driven by gusts of wind and I see the sky thick and dark with mammatus clouds, yet the air is full of diffused light. It washes over me and leaves a cold emptiness in my gut. I don't feel anything horrible but therein lies the discomfort...the emptiness actually feels really good, but it shouldn't feel good because something really major happened to cause it and part of me thinks that "the something major" is not a particularly good thing. I feel utterly alone when this feeling hits - it's not just feeling lonely...it's just an utter lack of anything outside myself. Like the world is a void and since I'm in it, I am part of the void.
That whole paragraph of stuff has been hitting me for two days now.
I'm used to feeling off when crazy stuff happens in the world but this is on a different level. I'm not sure what to think about it. Everything I see around me is like an alien landscape - nothing looks different, really, but nothing looks quite the same either.
Anyone ever feel this way? Did it ever resolve?
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Beauty
Beauty is the essence of life. I'm not talking about celebrities or models. No, I'm talking about the striking beauty of moments - snapshots of life that bloom and thrive as they are experienced.
Beauty is defined by perception. We form our reality based on our perception of the world around us by sensing and processing that sensory input. Everyone's reality is totally unique because different experiences and synapse connections in peoples' brains add color and shadow to how we process our world. Everyone's perception of beauty is also unique. Everyone has heard, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Well, it's true. You could take it a step further and say, "Reality is in the eye of the beholder." The point is experience is all about perception.
What fascinates me, as an aesthetic, is that beauty isn't passive. There is a whole rabbit hole of quantum mechanics that explores the very real possibility that nothing exists as we know it until it is observed. My theory is the same for beauty. We create moments of beauty by mindfully observing them. In order to see beauty, we must look for it. I don't mean we leave our house in the morning saying, "Hey I'm going to go hunt for some beauty." What I mean is that we have to be present because beauty exists in a moment. If we aren't paying attention - meaning we aren't in this present moment aware of our surroundings - we cannot perceive beauty.
Being present is awareness existing from moment to moment. If we aren't aware of each moment, are we really alive? Is there a point to living if we are not aware of the present moment? Appreciating the present is recognizing and appreciating beauty. Aesthetics forces one to always be present as one is always appreciating beauty.
While I recognize the importance of beauty, I don't know what to do with the experience. Beauty is transformative in that it shifts your entire focus to the current moment and, for that moment at least, you are not thinking about anything else. Beauty is a mental health tonic. It clears your mind for a moment and if you allow it to...it can clear your mind for a lot longer. You see, the more willing you are to see beauty in the world around you, the more of it you are likely to see. That works in the reverse as well - if your mind is so focused on your problems or the horrid events that happen every day, you are less and less able to see the beauty of the world. The less you live in the present, the less beauty you are likely to see.
Because of the obvious benefits of seeing and appreciating beauty, I want to share everything beautiful I see with the world, in the slightest off chance someone struggling with their life sees it and gains some perspective that eases their mind, making their day even a tiny bit better.
My problem is...how to share this ethereal moment?
I'm not a great painter but I try.
I'm not a great artist but I try.
I'm not a great writer but I try.
People look at me weird when I suddenly go all hazy-eyed and point out how striking that peony looks highlighted by a ray of sunshine peaking through the trees - I've learned that the hard way over the years - so how can I do this? How?
This is my struggle with beauty. This post brought to you by: the woods behind my house.
Beauty is defined by perception. We form our reality based on our perception of the world around us by sensing and processing that sensory input. Everyone's reality is totally unique because different experiences and synapse connections in peoples' brains add color and shadow to how we process our world. Everyone's perception of beauty is also unique. Everyone has heard, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Well, it's true. You could take it a step further and say, "Reality is in the eye of the beholder." The point is experience is all about perception.
What fascinates me, as an aesthetic, is that beauty isn't passive. There is a whole rabbit hole of quantum mechanics that explores the very real possibility that nothing exists as we know it until it is observed. My theory is the same for beauty. We create moments of beauty by mindfully observing them. In order to see beauty, we must look for it. I don't mean we leave our house in the morning saying, "Hey I'm going to go hunt for some beauty." What I mean is that we have to be present because beauty exists in a moment. If we aren't paying attention - meaning we aren't in this present moment aware of our surroundings - we cannot perceive beauty.
Being present is awareness existing from moment to moment. If we aren't aware of each moment, are we really alive? Is there a point to living if we are not aware of the present moment? Appreciating the present is recognizing and appreciating beauty. Aesthetics forces one to always be present as one is always appreciating beauty.
While I recognize the importance of beauty, I don't know what to do with the experience. Beauty is transformative in that it shifts your entire focus to the current moment and, for that moment at least, you are not thinking about anything else. Beauty is a mental health tonic. It clears your mind for a moment and if you allow it to...it can clear your mind for a lot longer. You see, the more willing you are to see beauty in the world around you, the more of it you are likely to see. That works in the reverse as well - if your mind is so focused on your problems or the horrid events that happen every day, you are less and less able to see the beauty of the world. The less you live in the present, the less beauty you are likely to see.
Because of the obvious benefits of seeing and appreciating beauty, I want to share everything beautiful I see with the world, in the slightest off chance someone struggling with their life sees it and gains some perspective that eases their mind, making their day even a tiny bit better.
My problem is...how to share this ethereal moment?
I'm not a great painter but I try.
I'm not a great artist but I try.
I'm not a great writer but I try.
People look at me weird when I suddenly go all hazy-eyed and point out how striking that peony looks highlighted by a ray of sunshine peaking through the trees - I've learned that the hard way over the years - so how can I do this? How?
This is my struggle with beauty. This post brought to you by: the woods behind my house.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Feeling Overwhelmed
This happens to me a lot. And by a lot I mean every day. Every. Single. Day.
Overstimulation has never really been an issue for me, like it is for many INFJ's. The sensory input my brain manages is pretty damn streamlined. Intake leads to internal processing that I don't even think about. I absorb and process my environment like a champ, regardless of how much is happening in my environment at any given time. I'm cool with stimulation.
No, my problem is workload. I have a to-do list that if written down, would probably stretch the length of a football field. This is both personal and professional tasks that I wish to complete. If I focus on one thing, which I'm great at, things are fine until that task is finished. Then, I look to my to-do list. Upon seeing the endless shit I've either promised others or myself I will accomplish, I go catatonic. Or I panic. Most of my anxiety comes from trying to figure out how to spend my time. This is why on weekends, when I have two whole days to do stuff, I end up staring into space (seriously) or reading.
This leads to problems. My to-do list is never shortened and the problems I need to solve are still there for me on Monday. It's endless and cumulative so the end just gets further and further away. I know there will always be something on my list but getting that narrowed down to fit on a regular sheet of paper would be nice. It's gotten to the point where I would rather vacuum my house than tackle something on my list because I just cannot decide what to do.
I love my husband, but he is no help in this aspect. He just wants me to be happy because he knows how hard I work. That just leads me to be lazy and procrastinate...only compounding the problem.
I really don't know how to fix this part of me. Even if work tasks were out of the picture, my personal goals are even longer and more complicated than anything my job in marketing could throw at me.
Here is an example of the cumulative effect...
After consulting my internal to-do list, I finally go through my clothes and divide into throw away, donate, and sell piles. The throw away pile is taken care of immediately (thanks to my husband...he likes throwing unneeded stuff away) but the donate pile and the sell pile are still in my office taking up a shit load of space. To make things worse, my cats love sitting on those piles, so now before I donate/sell I need to wash everything. Problem. I somehow haven't found the time to take the clothes to Goodwill/Salvation Army or to sell them at Plato's Closet. Even though it has been THREE WEEKS since I purged my closet of stuff that doesn't fit anymore. THREE WEEKS this stuff has been sitting around. I look at it every day, all day - it's in my office, right in front of my desk. You would think that should be enough to make me get rid of it but nope...still there.
The piles of clothes, in turn, make it very difficult for me to vacuum and clean my office. Guess what also hasn't been done? Ding ding ding! You got it - I haven't cleaned my office (or my house) for weeks either.
Because I haven't cleaned, I also haven't started any new craft projects. Why you ask? Because the pile of clothes is sitting on top of my art supplies chest. It's heavy. I can't open it.
I know if you are reading this you are probably thinking, what the hell is wrong with this chick? How lazy can one person be? I will admit that I am lazy but I'm also driven. Once I get that one task on my mind, I will focus, single-mindedly, until it is done. I almost feel like I need someone to go through my list and tell me what to do. Which then of course I wouldn't do because someone told me what to do. Being an INFJ is difficult because you always get in your own way. And nothing sucks more than being the cause of your own failure.
Do you feel overwhelmed a lot? How do you manage your life and the many ideas and things you want to accomplish? (Seriously, I need some ideas on how to fix this from other INFJs!!!)
Found this little quote on Pinterest...pretty much sums up my life.
And good ol' Fry tapping into my mind...
Overstimulation has never really been an issue for me, like it is for many INFJ's. The sensory input my brain manages is pretty damn streamlined. Intake leads to internal processing that I don't even think about. I absorb and process my environment like a champ, regardless of how much is happening in my environment at any given time. I'm cool with stimulation.
No, my problem is workload. I have a to-do list that if written down, would probably stretch the length of a football field. This is both personal and professional tasks that I wish to complete. If I focus on one thing, which I'm great at, things are fine until that task is finished. Then, I look to my to-do list. Upon seeing the endless shit I've either promised others or myself I will accomplish, I go catatonic. Or I panic. Most of my anxiety comes from trying to figure out how to spend my time. This is why on weekends, when I have two whole days to do stuff, I end up staring into space (seriously) or reading.
This leads to problems. My to-do list is never shortened and the problems I need to solve are still there for me on Monday. It's endless and cumulative so the end just gets further and further away. I know there will always be something on my list but getting that narrowed down to fit on a regular sheet of paper would be nice. It's gotten to the point where I would rather vacuum my house than tackle something on my list because I just cannot decide what to do.
I love my husband, but he is no help in this aspect. He just wants me to be happy because he knows how hard I work. That just leads me to be lazy and procrastinate...only compounding the problem.
I really don't know how to fix this part of me. Even if work tasks were out of the picture, my personal goals are even longer and more complicated than anything my job in marketing could throw at me.
Here is an example of the cumulative effect...
After consulting my internal to-do list, I finally go through my clothes and divide into throw away, donate, and sell piles. The throw away pile is taken care of immediately (thanks to my husband...he likes throwing unneeded stuff away) but the donate pile and the sell pile are still in my office taking up a shit load of space. To make things worse, my cats love sitting on those piles, so now before I donate/sell I need to wash everything. Problem. I somehow haven't found the time to take the clothes to Goodwill/Salvation Army or to sell them at Plato's Closet. Even though it has been THREE WEEKS since I purged my closet of stuff that doesn't fit anymore. THREE WEEKS this stuff has been sitting around. I look at it every day, all day - it's in my office, right in front of my desk. You would think that should be enough to make me get rid of it but nope...still there.
The piles of clothes, in turn, make it very difficult for me to vacuum and clean my office. Guess what also hasn't been done? Ding ding ding! You got it - I haven't cleaned my office (or my house) for weeks either.
Because I haven't cleaned, I also haven't started any new craft projects. Why you ask? Because the pile of clothes is sitting on top of my art supplies chest. It's heavy. I can't open it.
I know if you are reading this you are probably thinking, what the hell is wrong with this chick? How lazy can one person be? I will admit that I am lazy but I'm also driven. Once I get that one task on my mind, I will focus, single-mindedly, until it is done. I almost feel like I need someone to go through my list and tell me what to do. Which then of course I wouldn't do because someone told me what to do. Being an INFJ is difficult because you always get in your own way. And nothing sucks more than being the cause of your own failure.
Do you feel overwhelmed a lot? How do you manage your life and the many ideas and things you want to accomplish? (Seriously, I need some ideas on how to fix this from other INFJs!!!)
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